M., 18, couldn't believe it. She took the home pregnancy test 3 times. Still fighting the truth, hoping it was wrong- all three times, she went to the clinic. A strong positive. They told her the results were so clear the test finished in half its' normal time. She was pregnant. But this couldn't be, shouldn't be, she kept telling herself over and over. But she was.
Pregnant.
Somehow it just wouldn't set in, the truth. And as long as the truth didn't set in neither did the reality and rapid approach of a huge and difficult responsibility she was on the verge of crashing straight into. She was going to be a mother.She was not ready for this. Her man walked. He sends clothes and other things for B., the baby, but clothes dont buy food, pay rent, afford childcare, pay the doctors, none of that.
She sees the ultrasound and there's no more refusing it. It's time to speak the words and she does. Boom, dominoes, chain reaction; no place to live anymore. Her aunt didn't sign on for a teenaged roommate with a baby. No where nearby to turn. Mom is a mess, dad is nowhere. Her man, well he's not her man anymore, and no one in his family opens the door.
So it's off to another city, where she does have a grandmother who she calls mom. "Mom" raised her and did a good job. M. says, but all the love and support in Mom's heart for M. cant possibly meet the needs, such great needs, of a pregnant mom and soon an infant. Mom wants to help. She searches for a place to live for them but its too high, it's just too high.
M. moves into a home for pregnant moms without resources. It's a relief, but its not easy, and it's only temporary.
After giving birth to B., her son, she has 2 months to establish herself in the world and begin a life for her and her baby on her own. On her own. She never dreamed having a baby would be this lonely.
The father, he's been up to see them once. Her Aunt, she hasn't called back or responded to the birth announcement. She says she hinted at visiting for Christmas to a few family members from her old town but no one seemed to catch on. That or they just don't want to invite her. Lonely. And now M. is starting to feel desperate.
It's a Wednesday, she's been looking. Looking for a job, looking for a place to rent. Without a job and proof of a paycheck there's no apartment. Without an apartment there's no where to go. Without a car there's fewer jobs available, without a check there's no money to pay for childcare so she can go to work. . and the clock is ticking.
She has one month now and no leads, no clue, not much hope that things are going to work out somehow. She's facing some low options and it hurts. It hurts a lot. She does what no new mother on Earth wants to do. She faces the idea of homelessness. She calls the shelter to reserve a spot for she and B. She can't believe it, but now she does. The tears won't stop coming and the fear is getting worse.
NOT SLEEPING MUCH
L. ,17, pregnant from a boy she didn't want . . until he was gone. Now he wont see her anymore and she misses him like nothing she ever had. Mommas a junkie, "love me baby and hold this cord around my elbow for me. That's right. "
4-years-old, does what she's told, does right and it doesn't mean a thing.
No where to live no one to turn to. But now a baby is coming, on its way coming. Bigger sister, 19, already has 3 they hug you, love you never leave you. Bleeding? Way too soon to be bleeding. Hospital, alone, will anyone come? Nurse lecturing, "Where is he now if he loves you so much!" wheeling through rooms glare crossing over closed eyes.
So much pain. Not yet baby, not yet. But baby is coming no stopping her. She lives in L.'s arms a few hours a few minutes and then, no more. Tiny little grave at the cemetery north of town, has to take the bus out to see her, its rainy she writes love letters to her daughter on the bus, tells her stories dreams of the life they would have had . . leaves them at the grave. Sad, muddy, tiny, little grave.
Her eyes once wild, fiercely 17, desperate, bright, angry but alive have sunken in as she sits on the bed in bleak light waiting for some kind of life to show it's face.
DON'T NEED A MAN
M., 29, is putting it all together. Slowly, messily, haltingly she's becoming a mother. Learning the system, learning how to use money, find services, stay on top of appointments. Things everywhere lost messy loud out of control but there's a patience and a love even when she yells at them and looks like she's about through. Knows she was young, stupid, knows she still has a lot to learn but loves her children and herself now too. Takes care of herself so she can take care of them. They are doing good in school. She's proud.
Three little girls now. They drive me crazy, they do (laughing). It's just us and God. No men. They try to talk to me and I'm just mean so mean. No room for a man in my life. I tell women " Giiiirrrrllllll just get yourself a dildo I'm NOT kidding. You don't even need to be messin' with no men." We've got the food stamps now and people at the church really help got them these new outfits, got us this little house.
The first time I thought I was so old and no children I wanted a child . . It's hard by yourself.
The second time, that was it, so mad at myself, at him didn't want any reason to ever see him again. The first one's daddy so bad wouldn't stop coming to the house threatening me, scaring her. No, no more men and no more babies.
At the clinic walking in and a man, he stops me, a man "please just listen, be open for god to speak to you, you can change your mind." another MAN trying to tell me how to live, control my life, ooh noo. Into the clinic, keeping my appointment.
In the gown, up on the table, there's the ultrasound doctor saying something and wait. Wait. no. wait. Two heartbeats. Two? There's two? Shivers over me, them paliptations "I jumped off the table still in the gown and grabbed my clothes." Came outside sweating, spooked like I'd seen a ghost. Looked for the man, he was gone. Still trying to find him today.
