A Few Tid Bits From The Saturday Night Police Beat

Wow, I've been riding with a lot of cops lately and I have learned a few things I thought I'd share.

1. Don't assume the toughest looking cops are the meanest.
They often have secret softie sides when you scratch the surface. I mentioned my cats and plans to buy them Christmas presents and Mr. Tough drove to the pet store, invited me to do my shopping, and called his wife to ask if he should bring a gift for their 3-legged dog.

2. Don't leave your cat toys behind in the patrol car.
Why? You too may get asked, unexpectedly, in a loud voice, in a hallway full of people who want to keep the wet t-shirt contest going at the Inferno, the following unexpected question:
"Did you get those cat toys back?"
And look up from fumbling with your sync cord to find all said wet t-shirt contest advocates staring at you with skanky smirks going between you and the cop.

Ah yes, my kinky little cat toy fetish exposed again!

3. Do leave your (unopened) water bottles behind in the patrol car.
They like that and it got me a free horchata in return.

4. Don't take a minute to ponder the situation when 5 cops run out of a restaurant with the reporter in tow.
You too will find yourself watching:
( add the voice of The Count on Sesame St. here)
1,-- 2,--- 3--- patrol cars whizzzzzing by out of the parking lot with their sirens blaring.

And then you'll have to make an ass of your self flagging the last one down in the road- thus earning your self the proud title of "hook" as in hooker who waves down cars in the dark on Western Avenue. Lovely!

5. Do give guff back when you get it from them 'cause it catches them off guard and gets them off your case for said parking lot "mishaps."

6. Do eat your food fast and have your camera in hand cause they will leave your slow-ass behind.

7. Don't eat with cops. It seems fun at first- like a little cops reality show. Its kind of a novelty gig. BUT beware the dinner table conversation.

Why, you say?

Let's see.

First we had the "Pancho From CHIPS tried to Make the Move on Me When We Were Promoting Seat Belt Safety" conversation
(if you don't remember that show you're just too young for me to explain it to).

Opening up the ooooohhh you're-so-gay theme.

Then we had "Who Can Make the Most "You are Gay, no no Youuuu are Gay, no no You are Really Gay" jokes and ribs at each other b4 the end of a meal.

Then we took the flying leap into the deep (no pun intended ) deep dirt of who poops, when and where they poop (7-11 seems to be popular),;

how often or smellily' they poop

what each one eats that makes them poop (beans and hot sauce)

and, of course, farting tendencies and foul anal export histories was a kind of seasoning- sprinkled in there like hot pepper.
(Quite a Freudian link to said gay conversation if you ask me. Never in the company of gay friends have I heard so much talk about the ins and outs of everyone else's asses. But who am I to say.)

8. Do use the barter system. Our most recent cop ( all will remain nameless) was approached by another cop at a scene as a new call came in. The other cop made an offer:

"I'll type up the report on this here case if you go to the new call and let me go and take a shit."

The offer was considered, the terms perceived as favorable ( paperwork is a drag but ALL of it has to be done) and the barter was a success.

9. Do hang on 'cause fully sanctioned crazy drivers know no bounds. "We don't heed no stinking flashers!" Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!


*disclaimer
All the cops in this story were really good to me, they let me shoot at all the scenes, genuinely work their butts off in some really awful situations and have renewed my attitude about law enforcement in our town- despite their strange male bonding habits and constant need to call each other gay and stinky so it wont show how much they dig each other, so thanks guys. See you at the taqueria.
-Hook